crazydominator

moving on

2005-09-02T14:31:00.000+08:00

yes.
i love this blog.
i really do
its different
i grow in this blog
spirtually, mentally, emotionally, physically
but i have to move on
im leaving this blog
and yes, as usual, i'll be leaving all my post on.
so its all viewing.

for my new blog,
only close ones will know.
catch you there

thanks for the memories you left in this blog.

I LOVE GOD

2005-09-01T22:30:00.000+08:00

let me tell you this
I LOVE GOD
im so glad i did QT.
im getting the positive after effects of it.
not like there's no negative.

i thank GOD,
thank you so much
you gave me such great blessings

i thank you for the wonderful memories
of the most recent
of jessica and lou
of going crazy and blessing us with great weather
all the fun we had.
they're such great friends.

thank you for nicholas and joanna and charisia
thank you for WAM camp.
they are gorgeous Lord.
awesome.
i thank you for the wonderful times
of learning how to sing
of throwing popcorns.
of listening to rants and complains
of sharing problems.
of lying next to the river and the blue sky, you created.
good luck NICK! study hard too mate! haha, and good luck
bout HER!
thank you for charisia.
that she brightens up my day
i pray that she'll always go forth to make a difference.

thank you for my cousin.
for GUAN YU!
she's my beloved.
and she's always there for me.
thank you for her.

and thank you and thank you
for joanna wong, for weicheng,
for GWEN!
for everyone
for the world you created.

im high high high
i won the best dressed beach wear theme
for sec2.
not much competition. i got off easy
and no jessica, i didnt blow the top
but yess jessica, i love you
if i was a bung, i'd go after you

i love the time i spent with you
i love you making a mess in the dressing room
i love the skirts and pants and clothes
and your messy way of eating subway
argh.
haha
i love the pictures.

im having so much fun now!
life is so amazing

this is the great private problem of man;
death as the loss of self. but what is self?
it is the SUM of EVERYTHING we remember.
thus, what terrifies us about death is not the LOSS of the future.
but the loss of the PAST.
forgetting is a form of death ever present within life

monday blues

2005-08-29T23:43:00.000+08:00

i've been in a relatively steady and happy mood
no dangerously high or low mood swings

im quite estatic though.
we're allowed to wear beach wear on wednesday
on the plus side,
the most horrible day of the week,
thursday, is not a school day, this week

no, no more self pity.
i guess im through with that already

but im terribly missing WAMMERs.
JOANNA seow. dont you agree?
WAMMERs just seem to bring the joy in.
look, we're all so sad now just cause
we havent been talking or hanging out
let's just start to bug nic to bring us wakeboarding
his prelims, though coming like in a weeks time,
also means that it will end soon.

oh, btw.
thanks JOANNA wong for that tag.
thats nice of you!
but i cant get into your blog, so im hoping you'd read this.

im signed up for dance arts already.
i cant wait, let's just pray that science tuition wont coincide with it.
monday, monday, monday

i think i know what to do already
i know what im missing oout
i know its time to head for the woods.
to get ready for the battle the warfare.
i just hope im better equipped this time.

i love hearing GOD's voice.
the still small voice.

dumb

2005-08-27T12:01:00.000+08:00

i feel like an assed shit head
damm stupid.
argh
grumble.
imlikefatandugly
you've probably heard enough
~~fkndhuduh;d;ad;agd~~
my double eye lids is diminishing sooon
5 more kg and im overweight
my eyes are growing smaller
and i cant take a darn picture and look nice in it!
perhaps i was never made to.

:(

2005-08-20T12:19:00.000+08:00

im sad sad sad
im lonely lonely lonely

laughter is one of the only things in life that you can
count on to bail you out of anything.
anything like grief, sadness, depression.

i know my grammar is lousy, stop critizing it.
and my spelling too.

i feel like ben franklin now,
in a storm, holding a kite, a key and a jar.
waiting to connect.
with the world outside.

to laugh, to be happy
i love the sound of music

i am one of those that eat and eat and gorge myself,
and never grow fat.
-you got me, like as if thats the truth, i'd only wish so.

im having a sickening backache.

im running very low on natural resources- the very necessities of life,
fun and sleep.

come on, bring it on.

make me happy

im down down down, down to the seabed.
i've even touched it.
darkness.

my social life is like a computer that can not be turned on.
empty, useless.

im down right pathetic, arent i?
i've only 1 friend to count on to hang out, chill, catch the movies.

play me along.
pull me on.

today

2005-08-18T19:21:00.000+08:00

lolls.
today was a funny day
funny and extremely fun
and i am wishing i have better english.

the whole class was chaotic during break
balls flying around, chairs overturned.
we were ALL throwing balls left from the funfair,
which was very long ago

i like the english of the book Samurai Girl.
pretty cool

and i wish i'll grow up to be a professor

how does that sound?

professorchin

annoyance.

2005-08-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

i am extremely extremely annoyed by my parent's presence.

take me away
from the empty apartment.

because of you, im free.

2005-08-08T10:34:00.000+08:00

[censored and edited]
~~they are still,~~
they dont move.
they've been in this state for so long.

i cant believe it.
period of contemplation.
hypocrites, really.

praising God, so proud of being a christian.
but do they really know God.
i've been out of that state.
out of that delusion.
all the swarming and spinning of superficiality
be real

i've been with them, every single day
they're my 'friend's since last year.
but i have not seen a slight growth in them.
the same jeers at prayers
at the pastor.
the same giggle during chapel.

why do they even call themselves christians?
they dont live up to it.

dont they know God is more than just something they can boast about.

walk the talk.

if you are late, you deserve to be locked outside.
why,
you insist of going in.
questioning the ushers.
they are christians too.
we gather here for a purpose.
yet do not live by that purpose.
what crap.
insensitivity
you insist of pushing your way in
they've already closed the doors on you
why cant you get it?

dont you know you're disrupting those that are worshipping?
if people are coming out,
and even if there are space inside.
by going in.
you're creating a huge inconvenicene.
why cant you listen.
why cant you give in?
why curse and swear at those
who you're spending your eternal life with

i just dont get it.

even you are a hypocrite.
no, i dont claim to be perfect.
i dont claim to be all holy
and im not in a good state myself either.
but at least i live up to it
or i try too

all the camps and concerts and live performances.
the sermons the worship
yet you dont grow.
what do u actually learn out of all those?'

everything in the world will pass.
nothing will remain
except his word. him.
and all those in it.

*shrieks*sarcastically

be real.walk the talk.
~~s u p e r f i c i a l i t y~~

i am idle

2005-08-04T21:16:00.000+08:00

i need more and better friends.
im too idle
i need to be busy
but not with meaningless things.

i am too free.
too idle.
its not healthy
sigh

i need more friends :(

im free.

2005-08-02T19:50:00.000+08:00

shit.
i put on the weight that i lost.
horrible.
terrible.
at the rate i am going..

i cant wait for the exams to be over.
i cant wait for the december holidays.
i cant wait to wakeboard.

i cant wait to see you,
when it was like the past.
i cant wait to talk to you.
i cant wait to find you.

can we have some love?
can we have some fun ?
i need the daily dose of excitement.
i need to be psyched.

if you have nothing worth dying for,
you dont deserve to live.

you are still my God

2005-07-31T21:35:00.000+08:00

my favourite christian songs,
not in any particular order.

Jesus Freak by DC Talk
Shout Your Fame by Hillsongs.
Wounded Hands by Parousia
We Are The Reason by Avalon
Testify To Love by Avalon
Free by Hillsongs.
All Day by Hillsongs
Awesome God by Hillsongs.
Free by Hillsongs.
Better Than Life by United
My God by Hillsongs
My Glorious

losing my grip/.

2005-07-30T23:25:00.000+08:00

away i spin;
from all thse

finally an update?

i want to be a boy

i want to be a boy
i dont want to be a girl

but i cant.
but i really want to be a boy

there's still a part of me that holds on.
holds very dearly on
and refuses to budge
that part, is smaller than a mustard seed
its in negatives.
but it still holds on.

that's what's keeping me.

im lost, extremely
detahed, extremely

i dont even know why i bother to update

detachment

2005-07-20T20:52:00.000+08:00

i feel extremely detached from the world.
like i dont feel anyone else.

i feel them physically.
but in other aspects,
not very sure.

caught the bug.
horrible.
suffering in school
sneezing and hiccuping.
arughhh.

i dont feel like i belong.
i guess im not that close to anyone now.
shurg.
what am i saying?
im not even supposed to feel belonged.

an alien visiting a place,
temporary
not my home.

i want to read books
i want to read harry potter and the half blood prince.
i love it when im being transported.
into another world.
nothing seems to matter there

whinewhienwhine

no, big girls dont whine.

leave me alone, alone, alone, alone
leave me alone, alone, alone
i dont want to feel anything

23 july come soon, the sooner you come
the better.

sunday better come soon too
it's wednesday, im sick
but sunday's coming
it's wednesday, im suffering.
but sunday's coming

sounds familiar?

making a world difference

2005-07-19T21:05:00.000+08:00

i am going to devote my life
to reach out
to make a difference.

everyone's who's in need.

i'd like to see myself as an ambassador to christ.

i want to realise my dream.

somethingwickedthiswaycomes

2005-07-19T20:37:00.000+08:00

why do i not know anything?
why do we not know anything?
am i that ignorant.
the truth is not out

how do i break that image.

its confusing.
its so difficult

OUTRAGEOUS!

2005-07-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

i cant believe T T Durai still got the nerve to defend himself.
that lousy pokai CEO.
im so happy my parents are no longer donating to NKF.

until they strip T T Durai of his post,
then i shall continue, with my other family memebers,
to donate to NKF.

im sure there are other honest non-profitable charities around.
can you believe that we pay for HIS $25000 salary excluding that
ridiculous 10-12 months of BONUS?!

a german toilet bowl costing $1000 and a gold tap costing $990.
we paid for that.
and his first class air tickets.
what did they say about business class?
remind me again.

how bout that poor fellow who got cheated.
his salary's $1000 a month.
he stays in a 2/3 room flat.
and he supports his wife, children and sibling.
yet he donates $50 to NKF monthy,
thinking it go to goood use.

mrs goh chok tong.
actually says T T Durai's $600,000 salary
is peanuts.

wow
compared to $1000,
peanuts, sure is.

humph,
i will try to forgive and forget.
but im not going to, in the time being.

that guy deserves to burn in hell.
scheming bunch of snakes.

till they strip him of his post and freeze his bank account,
and change the corrupted directors in NKF's board.
you'll never see the end of this.

did u ever known that the 6, or is it 8?
luxurious cars that NKF owns,
was bought with our money?
that the salary T T Durai,
was our money too?
that his expensive MERCEDES and its
maintanence, bills and taxes,
was from our own pockets?
every single cent.
we thought it was for charity.
for those in need.
for those suffering.
apparently, it was not so.

stand up for the truth
'Please sign thisand get T.T. Durai out of his gold-plated bathroom. The last thing we need is him to be sitting on the millions that NKF has while the kidney patients suffer. Instead let's inject some new blood and a bit of trust and goodwill that this time round they'll get it right.'

quizzes!

2005-07-12T15:08:00.000+08:00

MUAHAHAHA
THIS IS SO TRUEEE

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

*IM NOT BEING SARCASTIC

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Kandace is your soulmate.

You truly love Juliet.

You know that Jessica is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Me for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Gwen is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Louuu is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Jaesson is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Jaesson changes lovers faster than underwear.

KANDACE MY SOULMATE?
THATS SO WRONG

I'LL REMEMBER ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. HURHUR

JAESSON CHANGING LOVERS LIKE UNDERWEAR?
I TINK SO!
IM EVIL!

frowns

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.
They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.
It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.
They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

this is so wrong.both of them.

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you spend carefully and save your pennies.

You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you don't have any particular type in mind, but you are NOT!(self included) inclined to look for someone who will say yes when you ask him / her out.

be my breathe, so i can walk.

2005-07-10T01:24:00.000+08:00

im tired, exhausted, lethargic.
state of hopelessness.
but im much better now.
i know two mums who died this week
im not happy.
im dreading it
im tired.
very tired
be strong, please be strong
we'll be praying for you
jessica's right
i only have one chance
and i should cherish it
once in alife time chance
yet im still online..

5 family members flying off this week
sis just left, i just came back from the airport
dad's flying off on monday
mom on friday
uncle on 14th.
2nd oldest cousin not sure when, thnk 15,
shanghai too
and my uncle and auntie, the two
air stewardess,
not sure if they're flying
this screams freedom
but i pray nothing bad will ever happen

bumbum!

2005-07-07T22:40:00.000+08:00

im anguishing, grieving
over/with? london.
its sad.
as my nick,
how can it happen?
how many more innocent lives?
obviously they intended to harm the
happy, perfect, living in their
city of long history,
citizens.
London just proven that their
security is totally not tight.
how could they hold the olympics?
they have 7 years to prepare
and ward off terrorist,
for that matter.

i've just be nicknamed bumbum! by jessica
i likee that new nickname
and no,
my english is not good.
creammmm.
haha=)
cheesy cream fries!
does that even make sense?

so close

2005-07-04T21:51:00.000+08:00

here i stand,
forever in your mighty hands.
i am yours
calling me your own
now i, i belong to you
all i need, your spirit, your word, your truth
hear my cry, my deep desire, to know you more.
i long to love you, with all i am,
i belong to you
you're here with me
here in my heart
so close, i believe
you're holding me now in your hands,
i belong,
you'll never let me go.
you gave me life
in your endless love
you set me free
now, i am yours.

empty apartment

2005-07-03T18:23:00.000+08:00

its amusing how i take one day to finish
my template when i took 2 weeks to finish
nic's
anyway, this template's done by me
rip if u want to,
cause i didnt pay to use the html
or picture or really cool tagboard,
so why should it be copyrighted?

im not even supposed to be online

you see why this post's empty apartment?
cause im lonely
misslonely.
points at the picture,
im jealous of the two kids
they seem hapy and having lots
of fun.
i've got
no one to go out with
i need more friends
i realised i only shop with 2 people
gwen and jessica.
most of the time,
i only go out with 1.
therefore, im always lonely
and its sad.
but i know God's with me.
i need more friends.
i've got money, i need clothes
but i've got no friends.
aint that saddening?

my life's pretty good though
i've got two hands and two legs
and 10 fingers,
the last time i counted.

contentment

2005-06-30T21:18:00.000+08:00

contentment is not the fulfilment of what you want,
it is the realization of how much you already have

my mum forwarded this to me.

After a conversation with on eof my friends, he told despite taking 2 jobs, he brings back barely above 1K per month, he is happy as he is. Wonder how he can be as happy as he is considering he has to skimp his life with the low pay to support a pair of old parents, in-laws, a wife, 2 daugthers and the many bills of a household.
He explained that it was through one incident that he saw in India.. that happened a few years ago when he was really feeling low and touring India after a major setback. He said that right in front of his very eyes, he saw an Indian mother chop off her child's right hand with a chopper. the helplessness in the mothers eyes, the scream of pain! from the innocent 4year old child haunted him until today.
you may ask why did the mother do so, has the child been naughty? has the hand been infected??
no, it was done for two simple words--to beg.
the desperate mother deliberately caused the child to be handicapped so that the child can go out to the streets to beg.
i cannot accept how this could happen, but it did really, just in another paret of the world which i didnt see.
taken aback by the scene, he dropped a piece of bread he was eating half-way. and almost instantly, a flock of 5 or 6 children swamped towards this small piece of bread which was covered wtih sad, robbing bits from one another. the natural reaction of hnger.
Stricken by the happenings, he instructed his guide to drive him to the nearest bakery. he arrived at two bakeries and bought every single load of bread he found in the bakeries. the owner was dumbfounded but willingly sold everything. he spent less than $100 to obtain about 400 loaves of bread(less than 25cents per loaf) .
off he went in the truck full of bread into the streeets. as he distributed the bread and necessities to the children and a few adults, he received cheers and bows from these unfortunate.
For the first time in ihs life, he wondered how people can give up their dignity for a loaf of bread which cost less than $0.25.
He began to ask himself how fortunate he is. How fortunate he is to be able to have a complete body, have a job, have a family, have the chance to complain what food is nice and what isnt, have the chance to be clothed, have the many things that these people in front of him are deprived of..
Now i begin to think and feel it too! was my life really that bad?
perhaps..no, i should not feel bad at all, what abou tyou?
maybe the next time you think you are,
think about the child who lost one hand to beg on the streets.

'contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want,
it is the realization of how much you already have'

indeed.indeed.

whine

2005-06-30T18:26:00.000+08:00

2 months to end year.
lots of people havent realised that
1 month to vip admission test,
if i get shotlisted, in the first place,
whinnnee.
study.study.study
that's my aim.

i think i killed a tree
finished half a box of tissue paper
and halfway through a toilet roll

stupid cold.

1st day in school

2005-06-27T22:54:00.001+08:00

you know what?
i thnk my phone just
proved to me that its waterproof
like what people say,
and i never believed
i just knocked my bottle down
and splash, on my phone
but, nothing happened.
phew.
i cared more about the table and the
keyboard

anyway
i am not not not not supposed to be here.
at all.
not supposed to be online
on the computer table.
though its ironically my study table
but, ah wells.
i am not supposed to be here
im supposed to be planning my schedule
for whatever's left of the 13 weeks to
end year
darn fast right
we had like 4+months to mid year
and 2/2/3months to end year
madness.
die.

study.study.study
that's what my life is going to revolve around
bye bye
happiness,
fun,
play.
welcome, (groans)study.
hmmmm.

missing peawit and the only guy

This world april 5 2005
(school's english journal)

this world. it drains me. all these, they're meaningless.
all the competitions, the studying, the superficial friends.
dont you feel that they give you a lot of pressure?
dont yo just want to sleep and never wake up?
it leaves you spiritually, mentally, physically and emotinally drained.
i feel like yelling'do not label me, cause you dont own me!' im sick of this world,
some people in it, selfish people, to be exact, they're just not mature enough.
it's so difficult to love your enemies, to forgive them, when all you
feel like doing is giving them a tight slap.
have you ever felt this way?
so lost in this world.
so sick of the things in
of not belonging.
i thnk that a christian perspective changes everything.
evertime im not happy, i tink of this, and it motivates me.
If Jesus could go through all that, the persecution and cruxification,
why cant i?

in a nutshell,
i never knew i could write such english
but i tink i lost it already
and i cant remember why i write that entry,
like baring my soul to Mrs Wong and the
head of english department.
anyway

1st day of school.
ms chung changed the class's seating arrangement.
the timetable totally changed.
3 teacher's changed.

i dont like the new seating arrangement.
me :ms chung, i dont like to sit in the front row, put me to the back
ms chung: but vanessa, i love you in the front row.

i really dont want to sit in the front row.
plus, no fan.
plus, no freedom

i want to sit at my old seat!
right smack middle of the class
beside rui qing
surrounded by 3 fans!
they're my best friend.

put me back man!

i cut my hair today!
thanks Gwen for accoumpanying me
yay!!!!
haha
let's hope there's not going to be any protest.
from Joanna, or jessica or weicheng
or any church friends who think short hair
is so not me.

i love it.
why cant you/

blach

i shant come online.

1st day in school

2005-06-27T22:54:00.000+08:00

iris-goo goo dolls- dizzy up the girl

2005-06-24T16:37:00.000+08:00

i give up forever to touch you
i know that you'd feel it somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i dont want to go home right now

all i can taste is your smile
all i can breathe is your name
sooner or later its over
i just dont want to miss you tonight

i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and u cant fight the tears that aint coming
the moment of truth in your life
when everything feels like the movie
yea, u bleed just to know you're alive

i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am

i just want you to know who i am

again,
im feeling all down and lethargic
zoned and sianed
just like my previous previous post.
i dont know what im missing out

its 4:44 and im supposed to be at serangoons at 5

i havent changed yet
im still online

a cinderella story

2005-06-23T22:12:00.000+08:00

i like to be around you
whether or you're not trying to be somebody
i like to hang with you
talk about whatever we talk about.

a cinderella's story original sound track

we're okay if we dont get caught by se-cu-rity

i like this part

and the
hair is blue or purple or pink

super cute
and
due to all the accumulated
homework, projects and things to fulfill during the holidays
i realised i have 3 thousand and 1 programmes and
stuff to do during friday,saturday and sunday
the last three days left of the holidays
let's see

Friday
run around the track 6 times in the morning
go for band.(1-4)
(5-8) play tennis with my brother and his friends
(5-6:30?)go play pool
(7-12?)jam and supper
how to do all these things at the same time?
do at least 2 papers of math
finish up chinese holiday homework(which is alot)
do chinese workbook which i havent touched since
january and teacher never asked for.
print Standard Of Excellence for band.

Saturday
meet michelle, sonia and shumei in
the morning to do project till until 4
meet nicholas, joanna(if possible)
go to esplanade to get my premieum membership
and borrow the scores there.
go out with my mum to buy sandals
replenish pencilbox
wash dad's car
be home in time for family gathering

Sunday
study chinese
revise what i didnt learn but was supposed to
look through term 2's chinese vocab.
do science tuition homework
revise what i didnt learn but was supposed to
for science in term 1
then look through term 2 stuff
organise my room, study niche.
get my books
buy a file
do math
go to church
talk to eugenia about fun fair and cell group

and i cant remember the rest
anyway
how am i going to squeeze in

meeting jessica and hanging out with her
to get my jesus freak book back
and get the chinese book from her

go roller blading with gwen
and/or val, xin, juliet or mel?

go play bball with
gwen, val and juliet again

call up agency and get
my shots done

wash my school shoes so that
it wont look the same colour as the floor
as what ms chung says

visit mrs eng

buy stereo for my room

eat the prata@jalan kayu with nicholas again
and/or joanna.

looks like my to-do-list for the holidays
didnt end at the last post.

sometimes i wonder,
what am i doing here?
on msn, chatting?

beautiful soul.

2005-06-23T12:55:00.000+08:00

i dont want another pretty face
i dont want just anyone to hold
i dont want my love to go to waste
i want you, when you're beautiful

im feeling down
lethargic and bored.
i have no idea why im bored.
when i have got a thousand and one
things to do..

just zoned out and even
music cant bring me up.

there's band tomorrow though
let's hope its good.

im pissed off with the library's in sg.
why cant we study during office hours
whats the use of self-studying hours then
its like 9am-11 am and 7pm to 10pm.
which hellofanasshole will study at those times.

my face is currently a frown.
my lips turned down

no, im not pms-ing.

my scheldule keeps getting ruined
the alarm rings at 9
and i shut if off dozen of times.

and wake at 11.

am i simply tired?
or immune to my phone alarm.

puzzling.
i used to be able to wake up

maybe school's not so bad after all
it dosent make me such a potato couch
lazy pig.

*whine

to-do-list.
1)buy Jessica's present
2)buy Mother's Day present.
both like how many months late.
3)wash dad's car to earn 10 bucks
4)get allowance from mummy
5)brush up on chinese
6)get Nicholas's blog done
7)get my own blog done
8)finish all the assesments on Math and Science
9)improve on English
10)run around the track 6 times
round and round
like i tink its a fairytale
like when i tink its a merry-go-round
when its not

i think i should stop
dreaming/imaginating/thinking

how different life would be
if i had my own room
the freedom.
plus, my dad said all of us
would get our own computer

wont it be great
if i had my own room and my own computer
then i can get my cousin's drumset
from his attic.
ta-da.
welcome, freedom
welcome, enjoying life.

i better stop thinking
especially, of how i can design my room

its making me sad-der.

*whineeeee

i want youwhen you'rebeautiful

mugging

2005-06-22T23:44:00.000+08:00

argh
can u believe that i took
2-3 hours just to finish
15 questions of math
and its STANDARD FORM.
every 3 question i do,
2 is wrong

and i realised,
though standard form is super easy
its my weakest weakest topic in math
cause i thought it was so easy,
i didnt have to listen in class,
and just copied off rui qing.

the irony of it all.

i need better english

oh yar,
my newest favourite library
the esplanade.
wow.
im gna get the premieum membership
then, i can borrow all the music scores that i want
go check out the library@esplanade.
freaking cool.

hiatus

2005-06-13T23:14:00.000+08:00

blog's on hiatus.
sigh.
will be back soon

if u're here for the pics,
im leaving the last post.

PICTURES II

2005-06-12T00:34:00.000+08:00

previously the pictures
i've taken them down

i know its true.

2005-06-11T22:21:00.000+08:00

im forgiven
because you were forsaken

im accepted
you were condemmned

im alive and well
your spirit is within me
because you died and rose again.

amazing love,
how can it be.
that you my king, should die for me.

home does not seem like home
what is home?
really?
where the heart belongs?

no one likes to get scolded
not by your sis,
mum, teachers, friends.

let's just hope, i wont get scolded.

in all i do,
i honour you

i tink,
i should take things slower
one step at a time
learn to crawl
before i walk

learn to fly,
before i soar.

LIFE- take a bite.

2005-06-11T15:51:00.000+08:00

whenever i read kai's blog
i need a dictionary
so, here goes.

ruminant- animal that chews the cud.
rumination- to meditate, ponder, chew the cud.
paltry- worthless, contemptible, trifling.
blase- bored or indifferent, through familiarity
insouciant- carefree, unconcerned
modicum- small quantity
tantalizing- torment with sight of the unobtainable, raise and then dash the hopes of. wow.
interim- interventing time
nebulous- cloudlike; indistinct, vague.
perplexities- bewilder, puzzle; complicate, tangle.
garbled- distort or confused
psyche- soul, spirit, mind.
trajectory- path of object moving under given forces.
heterongeneous- diverse; varied in content.
mitigation- make less intense or severe.
labyrinthine- complicated network of passages; intricate or tangeled arrangement.
bosh- not in The Little Oxford DICTIONARY.

words of the day.
sigh

why love, if giving hurts so much?
why give, if it we lose so much
why serve, when its so painful?

'only when we're not afraid do we begin to live.'
i realise,
that fear holds the garbed soul back
it is fear,
the thought of being afraid.
of losing, of pain
that holds all back
holds all of being able to live back.

how many countless of times.
have being afraid,
held you back?

afraid of giving, afraid of facing the music.
what we're giving, serving, is only a modicum
compared to what Jesus did.

Fear often governs our lives and it is because of fear that we achieve greatness?
but it is also fear,
that causes us falls,

what is it like being true to yourself.
to stop all the hypocritics.
to really be you
to be like a child
even if it meant dancing in the rain
if it meant making a fool out of yourself
if it meant shouldering all responsibilites to someone else.

just to be yourself.
how much would you give to do that?

'The cure for boredom is curiosity' There is no cure for curiosity."
No cure except the answer to it.
Why don't you just tell me what you're thinking - directly?
A single afflicted wound would definately be far better off than a slow and painful wait for death. Is it possible and worth the wait?

taken from
click.

pictures! and more PICTURES!

2005-06-10T11:22:00.000+08:00

heyy
went out with JOANNA and NICHOLAS.
yesterday.
soo much FUN!

walked around raffles.
then went to watch MADAGASCAR

he say
move it move it
she say
move it move it
YOU SAY
MOVE IT!

haha.
so cute.
and the heebeejeebees!
:D

went to esplanade roof top,
took some pics.
and my camera went out of batt.

:S

and we sat at that place looking out to
the sea!
so fun!
and so enjoyable
and so relaxing.
wheee.

i LOVE to hang out with
WAMmers!

haha

and here's some pictures, from like, long long long
ago!. i tink i've got some repeats,
hope u dont mind.

me and guan
like beginning of last year
i like this pic alot!

at east coast with the table tennis girls.

youth camp 04!!!

cool?

this is my darrrling

jessica!

haha.

jessica's attempt to block us.

really spastic and stupid photos jessica, wei shun and i took!
but it was soo FUN!
cake-rs, lets meet again!

wheee.
i've got some pics not done yet.
sorry
post another day.

haha,
i've got to wait for my camera's battery
to finish charging
then i can upload the pics i took with
JOANNA AND NICHOLAS..
wheeee.

maturity

2005-06-07T15:49:00.000+08:00

Don't let anyone look down on you
because you are young,
but set an exaple for the believers in speech,
in life,
in love,
in faith and in putiy

set an example for the believers in speech,
in life, love, faith and purity

WAM

2005-06-07T12:30:00.000+08:00

the last post of WAM was not completed.
my sis chased me off.
haha.
everytime i write, someone chases me off.
anyway,
this new template?
credits to JESSICA CHAN! and
well, myself.
i did do a LITTLE altering

haha.
in WAM, we had so much fun
although i got locked out for 40 mins once.
but it was so crazy and everyone was so high.
the GIRLS TOALLY RAWKED
my ass off.
haha=)

i miss you guys!

and the NIGHT OF FUN!.
oh my goshness,
i nearly fainted
.haha

like the dance was completly off.
and we made a fool out of ourselves!
you could see like IAN laughing his butt off.

everyone was laughing
tottaly embarrased.

haha.

but i loved it when they screened the movie.
very cosy and nice and warm feeling.
bertram, me, nicholas and deborah
we were like all sqeezed together in that small sofa.
Shrek 2 was boring though
they should have screened something else.
ah well,
haha

i'll never forget the memories.

WAMmer

2005-06-06T00:55:00.000+08:00

ARE YOU A 05 WAMMER?

haha,
i really miss WAM camp so much

totally fun
especially the LIVE WORSHIP WORKSHOP

feel like getting a band up
haha
crazy

i miss TERESA!
i miss JOANNA
i miss DEBORAH!
i miss you guys so much

im like talking to nicholas now,
the bassist.
argh,
wish i had gotten to know him better.

i cant wait for ONE CAMP!
then WAMmers can unite!

if anyone has pics, please sent me
and JOANNA,
u really look hot in the electric
trust me.

and i read everyone's blog
everyone goes like mark de's so hot
arhg.
bahh

WAM CAMP 2005

2005-06-04T21:53:00.000+08:00

WAM camp rawked
WAM camp rawked
oh man, i cant stop thinking it.

takes a deep breathe

here's it

THURSDAY
had like worship on the very first day
and mark de came late
so mark m. took over him first
haha.
they're such great musicians!
like soooo professional.
and darn nice
the way they play
wow

i am so inspired to play as well as
Mark De Winne Yehan
okaye
i hope i got it correct

and like the electric guitarist instrustor's name is
TONY CLAYTON CHONG

im so amused.
clayton?
aint that aiken's name
clayton aiken?

hurhurhur.

guan's not going to be happy

there are like 8 drummers!
2 girls only
oh darn.
haha

Mark De was our instructor

i had like the coolest dorm mates ever
we sing
doh, a dear, a female dear
ray, a drop of golden sun,
and so on.
everyday

and i can sing well!
finally!
thanks to like the FUNKIEST
dorm mates ever

joanna, deborah, hilary, teresa, pearlynn(who really reminds me of hui ping), and like cherry, and dorothy and yada yada

and TANIA'S sooo cute!
the only accoustic guitarist
oh my world
she makes you roll on the floor and laugh till you drop

haha
i cant stand it

faculty lessons are soo interesting
but i totally embarass myself all the time

and i could tell that mark wasnt all that happy
kind of disappointed
i disappointed myself too
and ian too.
but yar.

i was trying.
i was just totally scareed.

and PASTOR RUPERT!
he's soo good.
he like totally humbles himself to our stage

learned so much from his sermon
the essence of worship

and there was his super cute small goy
who had baby fats on his cheeks
and short guy
with funky specs.

who had the same name as my dad!
can you believe that
charles chin??

im calling him dad
and he's calling me daughter.

time's up.
my bro's gna use.

arugh.

2005-05-31T13:22:00.000+08:00

i tink i've got the messiest blog ever
but ah well.

i'll fix it one day..

MONDAY

2005-05-30T13:32:00.000+08:00

im bored
very bored
but anyway,

the music playing at the background?
on the right hand side that
do you see?
just before the tagboard?

haha/
thats the music player

its playing Jesus Freak by DC talk

the lyrics for this song
was at the last few post i posted
before this one.

its a.
nice song

enjoy.

walking naked

2005-05-28T23:33:00.000+08:00

from this day i shall,
be myself and only myself.
i must be true to chin fushi vanessa
and not act like somebody else.

i shall not be lame if im not lame
i shall laugh if i find a joke funny,
even if im the only one laughing,
and no one else is

i wont be vanessa
.but i'll be fushi.
like i always was.
and forever will be

i will dance whenever i feel like dancing
i will sing when i feel like singing.

i will not be forced upon
and do things,
then i dont want to do.

i do not bytch
i do not act nice

i simply,
be MYSELF!

even if they like it or not

i dress like whatever i feel like dressing

i feel good about myself
and dont care what others say

i go
and will not be stopped

now, for the best part

i will walk around naked.
without the clothes that hide my inner self
i will not let barriers hold me back
i will not let humanly emotions and struggles hold me too
i shall simply be what i really am.

i will walk around naked
and hang no airs as i walk

i walk around naked

i walk around naked

everyone can see me through

and they know its me

and not somebody else.

if im smart, let me be smart
if im witty, i will be witty

if im lame.
then, i shall be lame.

i dont have to be ashamed of what i really am inside

i walk around naked
and not be afraid

i will walk around naked

my 'philosophy'

2005-05-27T18:25:00.000+08:00

haha
was reading my old blog
and i realised how much i've grown

aint it funny

i would always think that
im like 'big' and all grown up
but the fact will always remain
that i am
and will always be very small
cause someone else will always be
older and smarter and wiser(like as if i am)than me.

i read this and i took it out of my old blog
haha
.its a short entry about how i felt about jessica.

to jessica.
though we re not best frens
despite the time we spent together
jus hope we'd always keep in touch
thanks for being
mysittin partner
lunch partner
recess partner
tokkin crap partner
table tennis partner
for being my double
that perseveres
my vending emotions and stress to, partner
.thankYEW so MUCCH!

but i guess things changed so much
JESSICA!
creammm.
you're like my bestie now
but you're a mmmeann bestie.
hmph!

i wish i would grow up soon
and speak, proper english

midyears.

2005-05-25T19:09:00.000+08:00

i did BADLY for MID YEARS

bahhhh,

REAL BADLY

shyte.

JESUS FREAK- DC TALK

2005-05-24T21:15:00.000+08:00

[What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?
What will people do
When they find that's it's true?]

Separated, I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me
I've divorced I saw a man with tat on his big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what it said
Cause I had to match the rhythm
Of his belly with my head 'Jesus Saves'
is what it raved in a typical tattoo green
He stood on a box in the middle of the city
And claimed he had a dream

What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth

Kamikaze, my death is gain
I've been marked by my Maker A peculiar display
The high and lofty, they see me as weak
Cause I won't live and die for the power they seek

There was a man from the desert with naps in his head
The sand that he walked was also his bed
The words that he spoke made the people assume
There wasn't too much left in the upper room
With skins on his back and hair on his face
They thought he was strange by the locusts he ate
The Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak
Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth

People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger
People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger

What will people think
[What will people think]
What will people do
[What will people do]
I don't really care
[What else can I say]
There ain't no disguising the truth
[Jesus is the way]

What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth

2005-05-21T17:12:00.000+08:00

(x) snuck out of the house
(X) gotten lost in your city
( ) seen a shooting star
( ) had a serious surgery
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) kissed a stranger
( ) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) Had alcohol
( ) laughed and had milk, coke or water etc come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(X) been in love
(X) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
( ) skinny-dipped
(X) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
(X) played spin the bottle
( ) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of water in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Disneyland
(x) gotten the chicken pox
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
(X) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) stolen something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children(i wish i COULD!)
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(X) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
( ) gone to college / poly
( ) graduated college / poly
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
( ) fired a gun
( ) purposely hurt yourself
( ) taken painkillers
(X) miss someone right now

P.S, there are two blanks i didnt X
P.P.S, chocolate bar for anyone who guesses it right
P.P.P.S, just kidding, about the chocolate bar
=)

when is the world going to see?

2005-05-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

when is the world going to see?

of his great love?

He is hiding behind the pile of books
But i can see him
he flips the pages intensly
his eyes waters
He is hiding behind that pile of work
it never seem to cease
He burries himself in it
to drown his sorrow and misery
He dosent know that anyone realises
but i can see him
i can see him
he is lonely inside, he is scared
can u see him?
can u see his eyes?
i love them, they're beautiful;
jaded and deep
there's fire in it, consuming fire
they leap and dance
there's ice in it, so cold,
i cant survive
His eyes, they speak of volumes
no words can comprehend
can u see his sorrow?
only i can.
can u see the shivering the soul?
tired and worn out
can u see his hurts
can u see his regret
his soul;
they love.
but never receives.
Can u see his hunger?
he seeks love
he seeks comfort
but he does not know
im looking at him
can u see all these?
only i can see?

WORD OF THE MONTH

faience;
decorated and glazed earthenware and porcelain

i love this word

FAIENCE

btw, that 'poem'
i wrote it.

how true is it?

2005-05-17T17:13:00.000+08:00

mormonism.
how true is it?

Kandace gave me that book
surprising.
but i dont really know what to do.

to pull a smile when your heart muscles frown

2005-05-15T23:13:00.000+08:00

i'll never break the promise i make to myself.

to pull a smile when your heart muscles frown

thats how im feeling

why is it the heart?
it just pumps blood

what has it to do with compassion, emotions
yadayada

my heart's breaking

but i'll bottle it

i'll step down and let her take the place
actually,
i tink she did

im just lost in my own fairytale i created to myself

i cant keep playing, coaching the players

i just want one

i cant keep fooling

worst,
i got to choose.

no,
you'll never understand

but,

you do not label me, cause u do not own me.

finale

2005-05-10T22:44:00.000+08:00

i understand
finally.

my questions are being answered.

phew.

meaningless.

2005-05-10T20:24:00.000+08:00

WHY
WHY hope so much that exams end
HOPE that u can go out and play
and have fun

WHEN,
theres no one to HAVE FUN WITH YOU!

so freaking irritating

my long awaited break

and i cant play

what a shame

what a disappointment.

one more day and im free

2005-05-09T13:53:00.000+08:00

wei shun pissed me off today

he broke the veins in my eyes

its still red

i went in to the classroom late for math exam tday

i went in late

and i screwed it uup

i kept flipping the pages.

and i just did do the math question

i used free hand to draw the graphs with that curve

when i had a flexi curve

screw it

when i could do well

i tink i threw away some ten marks

and i didnt do 7 marks worth of questions for
geog exam

im so dead

it affected me emotionally, mentally, spiritually

he went too far

one more day
and im free

i cant wait

i've got no motivation to study science

screw it

screw it all

i dont care.

im pissed off with u too.

bits and pieces.

2005-05-04T14:04:00.000+08:00

booya

aye ya captain

did u ever know?
there's a dying in studying?

booya

its so sucky when someone reads behind your back

especially when you're posting

i really wonder who i am doing this for
am i doing it for God.
if i am.
then why do i continually, sometimes.
i want to be the one that makes the difference FIRST.
why?
if others can do it before me.
i should let them.
but i am

but im not willing.

they're all sec 4s and above.
they've all got their o levels certificate

something which i want so much

they dont have to study
english, math, science, chinese

they dont have to go to junior colledges.

but they do.
they do there.

when they can do other greater things for God.

why
u know how much i want my o level certificate.

cause no one accepts a 'child'
a 'kid'
someone's 'young'
'immature'

they want 16 and above.
and im only 14.

u know i just wish time will fly fast.

i dont want to sit out and wait

i want to do more

but im "young"

do not let others look down on you just because you;re young...
1 timothy.

irritation

2005-04-30T11:14:00.000+08:00

its so dammmmmm irrritating

when u got to move your clothes

your things
your book

sometimes even your furniture

out of your room

and its YOU RFREAKING ROOM!

im pissed off!

its like the third or forth time im moving
my stuff out of my room

and having workers to invade my privacy

i solemly swear that

i'd rather not move here

im better off in Toa Payoh

and great.

my mum just read this

now.
i dont even have my own study table in my room

and its al;ways being
snatched away by my brother.
or sister.

imagine you're doing your work
halfway

and someone screams at you

''ooi! hurry lar! i wanna use the comp."

dammmmm irritating

very fustrating

and right freaking now,

the WORKERS
are stepping their dirty feet on MY BED

thank God.

and i tell you
there's all kinds of dirty clothes

and undergarments hanging behind my door

upom a 100%
how many percent do you tink they'll see it

i dont care

i dont know.

why cant i share room with my freaking sister.
instead of my grandma

i dont mind sharing room with my brother

but i think my parents dont trust us

back in toa payoh
i have my own study table
and i sleep in the same room with my brother

and its dammmmm freaking fun

i miss those times.

i dont find anything wrong with my windowes
my cupboard
my granny's cupboard

so why must my idiot dad report them

why??

cause my granny dosent like that

as mush as i try to love her

its so darndifficult.

PS.
its burning hot
and i cant on my air con as cold or anytime i like.
(now that i have an air con)

why?

cause my granny dosent like it.

and i burn inside the room
i burn

ya'll missed me?

2005-04-28T16:23:00.000+08:00

BOOO!

you missed me?

hurhur.

question to ponder,

are you living today as if tomorrow was your last?

hmm.
should i go check up trinity theological centre?

i wanna take some
SERIOUS

bible studies.

Xp

im not young.
im not young

the bible says

do not let others look down on you,
just because you're young..

ta-da!

fast forward

2005-04-26T17:06:00.000+08:00

He replied.
He replied

God is good.

fantasy

2005-04-25T21:25:00.000+08:00

its fantasy when we're with God, he makes everything come true and nothing else matters. he is the truth, the way and the light.

am i right to say that?

someone! give me the answer.

what can we do to make the YMers have that passion and flame
burning for God.

how?

God, give me an answer.

its all about you

2005-04-24T16:41:00.000+08:00

its all about you. jesus.

darn.
going out with jessica and wei shun
is ALWAYS the funnest thing ever.

i just miss those times man.

at MICA(ministry of information, communication and arts)

we're having focus sessions.
thank God he allowed me to do well in English.

and they're asking us about cool people.

jessica and i was like err..

where do cool people hang out at
cool people hang out in church??

AND,
we werent the only one who said that
1 other said so too.

what do cool people talk about?
eerr. cool people talk about God?
and their life?

what do cool people listen to?
worship songs?

i dont 100% agree with what i said that
cool people hang out in church
or talk about God.

no offence.

how can cool people be christians only then?

a funfair next year june for YM?

maybe.

but God told me to plan it after mid-years.
so there

aint i sweet?

2005-04-20T20:40:00.000+08:00

jessica!
arent you touched?
i called you SEVENTY THREE times leh
and i messaged you like 10++ times.

arent i sweet?

plus the messages link thing.
dammm cute also right?
grins-

i want to

2005-04-19T20:23:00.000+08:00

let me make that difference, please.
i want to.

give me a chance to.

to do something.

honours

2005-04-17T21:18:00.000+08:00

HI PEOPLE

i have the honours
of listening to
kai on the guitar.
and yang singing

im grinning

haha

its soooo.
c-u-t-e

okie
more like

adorable.
yeaa

they're like singing worship songs now

im going to fall in love with that
brotherly love

pity i dont have the mic,
but they have.
so im chatting to myself in the conversation
and they reply on the mic..
whheee

im a Jesus Freak!

2005-04-14T16:51:00.000+08:00

mould, please dont grow on my flute
you've got so many places to grow on,
why choose my flute?
you can furthur condemm the rest of the
flutes in the band room
but please dont condemm my barely
a year old baby
go away mould
go away mould
stop growing on my precious
baby

haha

oh yar.
phs band got silver.
heng, not like the last syf
c.o.p

i did chinese poetry today
and im PROUD of myself.
haha.
:X

i was never vanessa
i was all along
fu shi.
=)

i've decided to change the way i want to die

i shall not die in my sleep
i shall not die of diseases or illnesses
or OLD AGE

i shall die a martyr's death

i shall join the martyr's

i will be STRONG

and

i will feast at the heavenly banquet,

my father would prepare for me.

i shall join The Voice of the Martyr's

i'll be a Jesus Freak

i will make a difference

i will serve my God till my time

i will always be strong

meet me in heaven.

*smiles

everytime i try to fly; i fall.

2005-04-10T22:19:00.000+08:00

its so irritating
every time
every single time
i care
i show concern
i love
i sacrifice.

and he simply knows how to receive
and not give.

im soo sick and tired.

of asking him out over and over again
having him reject my offers

i simply am invisible, arent i

i always seem to be not his piority in life
AT ALL

work always seems to be his first
others always seem to be his first
his own life always seem to be his first

i am seriously just going to think he's plain selfish

man
it hurts.
BADLY!
arrhh

i wanna scream
i wanna yell
i wanna cry

dammit.

WHY
do i allow it to hurt me like that

maybe i should just follow her footsteps
and completely forget about him

BUT
i JUST CANT LET GO!

freak

i tink about it every single day
every single waking moment
every single minute

i tink about it BADLY

I EVEN DREAM ABOUT HIM
ABOUT IT!

having it haunt my every waking moment is bad enough
and there he has to.
has to appear in my FUCKING
dreams!

and he appeared last night
and the night before.

AND even in MY DREAMS
i am searching for him
TRYING to find him
and i either go OVERBOARD
in it.
DOING CRAZY STUFF I NEVER DID

or i end up finding the wrong person.

and yes
you bet.

its on my mind more than anything else

i've made him my top piority
why cant he make me?
his top piority

what does he gain from all that work.

S E R I O U S L Y

that sonofabitch-

i hate and love him at the same time

how much more bad can it get?

wait and see.

i want the old him BACK.

for the moments i feel faint.

2005-04-07T20:47:00.000+08:00

time passes too fast.
a day after another
its thursday
a week after another
its the 3rd week since school started
a month after another
its april
a year after another
its 2005

for the times i scribbled
2004,
03,
02..

no

i havent experienced enough emotions

no

i have yet to love enough

there are so many things i've not tried.
so many places i've not gone to
so many things i've not done.

would i live regretting not doing them
going there

God is good.

2005-04-07T20:32:00.000+08:00

shung's prolly in the plane now..

i wonder what its like to be flying over the oceans, right this moment..

*to loook out of the plane, and stare in blank nothingness.

regret

2005-04-07T19:24:00.000+08:00

in this life of mine,
i've regretted too much

things i should have done
things i shouldnt have done

but in the end

its the things we didnt do that haunts us
not the things we did.

really?

well,

i regretted not controlling my anger during youth camp 2004.

i regretted scolding jestyn, whacking him and pouring a bottle of fish sauce down his head

i regretted spoiling that friendship of ours,
that would take years to heal

i regretted not telling him how i really felt about doing that

i regretted after apologising to him,
scold him again

i regretted throwing that water bomb on isaac's head
swearing at him,
out of anger

i regretted not bringing my phone charger
so i could talk to someone about it and
calm my anger

i regretted allowing anger to take control of my
entire character and body during that short 4 days of
youth camp.
i got angry the whole time.

i regretted not telling jenghis how i felt
about rebuking and insulting him

i regretted not saying SORRY

i regretted not going for one camp

i regretted not studying harder last year

i regretted not appreciating primary school days
and telling all my friends how much i love them

i regret /regretted / am regretting being so proud

i regretted not enjoying primary school days then

i regret not telling gwen, val, xin, mel how much i love them

i regretted not appreciating jessica last year

i regretted replying to derric's message.

i regretted getting involved with him

i regretted not telling his mum about it.

i regretted allowing the chances slip through my fingers.

i regretted sitting down and watching our friendship worsen.

i regretted not keeping in touch.

i regretted not being able to say sorry.

i regretted backing out.

i regretted being a fool.

i regretted not taking control of myself.

i regretted allowing myself to wallow in self-pity

i regretted not studying harder for psle.

i regretted not telling mr leon what a difference he made in my life

i regretted telling him how much as a teacher,
he influenced me

i regretted not keeping in touch

i regretted not telling him i miss him,
now that he's gone.

i regretted not working hard on my basketball skills in primary school

i regretted making a fool out of myself.

i regretted not wanting the best.

i regretted not learning music beter when i had the chance too

i regret being such an ass and a stuck up snob.

i regret letting all the chances of doing better in this society,
slip through my fingers.

i regret not crying enough

i regret not laughing enough

i regret feeling stress

i regret not smiling

i regret not being there for my friends

i regret being too proud to show affection.

we shouldnt be afraid of showing affection,
should we?

lust

2005-04-07T19:07:00.000+08:00

one afternoon i was walking from my hotel to the convention center downtown.
a group of three guys walked past me in the oppostite direction.
they smile in a way that seemed odd.
They whispered and laughed as they passed me,
and for some reasons,
those actions made me uncomfortable.
what was bothering me?
i pushed my discomfort out of my mind and went on.
but a few moments later a car pulled up alongside me.
the same three guys were inside.
this time,
i could in no way mistake their intent or the reason i'd felt strange-
these guys were homosexauls and were checking me out.
they whistled, winked, and laughed at my bafflement.
finally, they sped away,
leaving me to fume.

i'll never forget the anger and disgust i felt at that moment.
i was outraged to have served the object of their lust,
to have their eyes crawling over me.
it was so wrong, so filthy.

i remember turning to God in self-righteous anger and hissing through my clenched teeth,
''those people are sick!''

the gentle rebuke God whispered to my heart caught me off guard.

'joshua, your smug homosexual lust is just as misplaced,
just as disgusting in my sight!'

this realization floored me.
my contempt at the lust of those three men was nothing in comparison to the disgust God feels at the lust of my heart, even though society condones and expects it.
God states that when i look at a woman lustfully,
whether she is on the street,
on a billboard,
or in a movie,
im actualy commiting adultery with her in my heart.

How many times have i felt lust for a passing girl in the same was as those homosexual men felt for me?
how many times have my eyes slid across a woman's body like a 'slug on a rose' as Cyrano de Bergarac so aptly described it?
am i repulsed by lust in my life as i am by lust in others?
what are we afraid to do before men,
we should be afraid to think before God.

i kissed dating goodbye

survivial

2005-04-07T18:26:00.000+08:00

[edited]
i was doing my reflection
i was thinking.
i couldnt help thinking.

who can?
when you're not in school
for a whole day.

this year, i wil do so-so in phs

but next year?

jessica's absent makes it worst.
dammmned,
will she be happy to know that

its the 4th month,
the only thing that gave me strength to pull through
was my close friends
and my thick skin

but, i dont have the determination of studying hard

im not a studying person.

what if i screw up this year?

tsk.
why must we go to school?

creamy

2005-04-05T14:56:00.000+08:00

i've been eating too much chocos.
bleahx.
i feel sick.
uarrgh.

my sis and bro are gna scream man
i just took like 1/2 of the big big
bar of marble cardburry chocolate
its in my stomach now..

which reminds me.
i ought to buy a new bar for them.

my granny's giving me an evil stare
whenever i walk into the kitchen.

dammm.
im feeling the stress.
there's a test on wednesday.
thursday
friday.
urarhg.

SUDENNLY!
there's like a whole pile of homework.

coursework, i.c. and pw projects to hand up.
sigh.

this darn work.

sccreewing up

2005-04-04T20:41:00.000+08:00

do i tink i screwed my life?
nah i dont tink so
its not that screwed.

i still take time to love and to be love and appreciate nature

but its screwed,
the fact that i want to top the school, get good grades, lalla

quite screwed.

who are you and what have you done to my best friend

wanna go see sunrise with me?
or sunset?

everyday i watch the sun rise =))
maybe u will watch it with me together tmr at the same time .
but different locations. haha .

i dont have sunrise here
i only got sunset
i used to be able to watch sunrise in tp

they're both nice .

i want to go for church/youth camps
i want to be home-schooled.

i want to smile and laugh and run again
arugh.
sigh
sigh.sigh.sigh.sigh

i wanna cry

laugh

scream

yell

cry like no one's business.

scream like the world's gna end

i wanna yell like its loving my heart

i wanna laugh like..

like, its the first joke in the whole earth
laugh like i've never heard laughter.

im stuck in my coursework project

still there.

i wanna go to the ends of the earth

stucked there.

sigh
i wanna go climb a mountain
i wanna see snow
i wanna see falling snow
i want to be with people i love
i want to be in the ocean.
i want to be up in heaven

reflection

2005-04-03T21:16:00.000+08:00

you dont know me
im sure you dont.
yet again,
do i even know myself?
maybe you even know me better.

i hate this freaking culture
this stupid power people have on others
this life

they're all MEANINGLESS.

yeaa. u may think im a pessimistic
but its still a thought, not the fact.

this world is coming to an end.
to what extend do you agree?
dont cheat yourself
read the papers

19 march 2005(day before palm sunday)
China coal mine blast traps 70 miners

21 march 2005
it was 40 days after ash wednesday
Texas plant explosion killed 15 people

EARTHQUAKE STRIKES SUMATRA
when did this happen?
a day after easter sunday
2005 years ago after Jesus rose to heaven
thousands estimated to be killed

TSUNAMI STRIKES SOUTH ASIA
day after xmas; 2004

IRAQ hit with earthquake
day afer xmas; 2003

you'll be sick of me pointing this stuff out to you
so what, you'd say?
what can i do?

we're near the end of times

i hate this culture?
why.

it brainwashes us
it makes us believe that
grades is EVERYTHING
education is EXCELLENT

it tells us that
being underweight is healthy
showing love to the poor and needy
is stupid

that getting a job that pays well is fantastic,
is brillant

that having loads of cash and wearing
branded, beautiful clothes
will make people idolise you
worship the ground you walk

i'll spit.

what is love?
where has it gone to?

we're jus too caught up
in wanting more.

its jus this culture

seeming to approve, respect
and admire
those who have $$$
fantastic jobs, great body, beautiful features, rich friends
extensive network, branded clothes, silky hair

whatever-

it disturbed the beauty of this Earth, that God created.

have you ever stopped and looked out of a window while in a bus
to see the senery
the sun setting
the sun rising

the fishes that jump out of the ocean
the greenlands.
the hills and mountains
the animals.

okie.
im being too dramatic.
these stupid high rise buildings.
because of them
how often do we appreciate nature

let's start with the simple.
a man offers a seat to a pregnant woman
woah. would u have done that too?

a mother carrying her daugter, embracing her with her warmth
the smile on one's face, when another cares.

im being a drama mama

jus, please, for nature's sake
take a day off.
early in the morning,
at 5.
go to a rooftop.

dont jump down.
but wait to see the sunlight peeking out from a cloud.
a new day awaits.

this stupid culture.
arugh

power?
dont everyone want to have that?

to take control?

what makes you think you're any better
than children, such that you can bully them

what makes you think that you are any better than the orphans
in other countries.

how much better are you compared to the beggars in the road,
the blind, the mute, the deaf?

because you are skinny
dosent mean you can insult the overweight

let me tell you this,
they all certainly have one thing you lack greatly
humility

does your mind think any different from the orphans?
the overweight?
the physically impaired?

no.

you dont have any power over them
as much as you have over the clouds in the sky

you dont have the rights,
the power,
to control them
to insult them.

no. you dont have the power at all.

life is meaningless.
period.